IT'S OFFICIAL - HE GOT A JOB OFFER

Well, I could go back and see just when the job hunt stated, but I just don't have the energy. In fact, I really want to be asleep, but my brain is just whirling and twirling too much for me to actually relax!

My husband FINALLY got a job offer. He's come really close a couple of times, and he had entered into negotiations twice with two different companies. One in Arizona and one in Illinois. But, as negotiations can, things did not come together.

This time, this time it looks like things are going to fall into place. And I feel like we were rounding the fourth turn and heading into the final stretch and all we could see were the asses of the other horses in front of us. Now, coming into the home stretch, Erik is hitting his stride and passing everything in sight. It is glorious to see.

After seven years of pure hell, it really is okay for us to have a little bit of goodness in our lives. So, I'll take it. And, be very, very grateful. Something that I haven't really felt for a very long time.

And, magic is come into our lives again. Prosperity is something I think I had stopped believing in, at least for us. Two years homeless after he lost his job in 2001. Then we went through bankruptcy, losing our house, car, almost all of our possessions, etc. It is humiliating and very debilitating to go through that. And, even though you may get back up on your feet financially - it takes much, much longer to get back up on your "feet" mentally. In other words, it takes a while for you to get over that "it is all going to disappear tomorrow" feeling.

We were just starting to feel like things could have some permanency when it was time to start job hunting again. I almost feel like job contracts should be abolished. Hi, we'll hire you, but only for three years, and in one year increments at that. It is a ridiculous policy.

But, this company, the one that has made the gesture towards hiring him, is one that he has already stated he could work for until retirement. That is saying a lot from the guy who suffers from perpetual boredom.

Anyway, I know that this is just mundane, boring, regular stuff I am talking about, but you see, this is HUGE news in our household. To NOT be homeless again is HUGE. And, I just had to rattle on about it.

Take care, PLAY-PASSIONATELY and try out my link to Big Crumbs. I think you will be very happy that you did. Just look in the column to the right.

Have a great day.
Annie

What is it about FAMILY?

I love my family! Let's just start there. They are the light and joy of my life; they are the bane of my existence. It is the perfect dichotomy - you can't have one without the other. No joy without pain; no pain without reaching the heights of ecstasy.

You will not know what the summit looks like unless you take that first step up the side of that friggin' mountain.

I wax philosophic tonight. But, that's fine, I'm lacking sleep, I'm hungry, I'm irritated with life and my body hurts. All in all, it's going to be a great day. I can just feel in my soul (something my daughter doesn't believe in, I found out today) that life is getting ready to make some drastic changes). I like this time of year - change is on the wind.

I used to really, and I do mean REALLY hate the fall. It brought on the "October Shits." Well, that's what it was so lovingly called in my house. It was a time when I was GUARANTEED to get depressed and crawl inito my "cave" and stay there until the winter thaw. That would be sometime in January. This year, I am actually feeling pretty good and actually looking forward to doing a couple of art projects. That is actually ASTONISHING. I cannot remember the last time I picked up my jewelry making supplies and did ANYTHING of a creative nature. So, stunned is a good word for how I feel about the impules I've been having.

And, that is SO EXCITING. A year ago, this month, I couldn't get out of bed - I was so exhausted. I was in te throes of a TERRIBLE Chronic Fatigue/Fibro episode. It was about six months with almost no time out of bed. The entire episode lasted newrly 18 months.

That is what I have been recovering from recently. I can now actually drive a couple of hours at a time, I can walk a little over 40 minutes. My daughter and I are going to start doing pilates. It is going to be a nice "bonding experience." If I have to beat the Universe into submission...

Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep...I'm in the middle of some insomnia AGAIN. I hate insomnia. And, I'm actually feeling a little tired. So, I'll post this and see if I can't get some sleep.

Psychiatry as Pseudo-Science

I have a blog on StumbleUpon.com It is real easy to get to, just go to: jazzway.stumbleupon.com I have had it for a year or so and it is mostly about political and social activism. However, one of the things that I did over at SU was start a group on mental illness. It has about 75 members now.

Yesterday, I dropped in on the group to see what was happening. Someone had posted a link to a site where they talked about Psychiatry as a Pseudo-Science. Now, I had heard about this before and sort of pooh-poohed it. I mean, really now. There are so many "studies" out there and the "science" exists that tells us what mental illness is - right? So, at the time, I ignored the information. Yesterday, I went and read...


Here is the URL... http://www.cchr.org/index.cfm/7352

I have to admit that I am more than a little, not shocked by the information, as I am on the verge of angry that I have spent so many years in and out of the "mental health system."

On the one hand, there is something very different about the way I respond to everyday situatiuons compared to the way other people respond to them. In the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), this is called Borderline Personality Disorder. From the Nation Institute for Mental Health:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.


So, here is this not so nice, not so neat definition of a lifestyle dysfunction - what do I do with that?

Halo 3 - Now I'm competing with a game

I knew it was coming. The advertisements have been keeping me apprised of the impending date, and now it is here. Midnight has come, and gone, and my husband and daughter both have a copy of Halo 3.

For the next two days I will be just an accessory in the house. A fixture that might be talked into fixing a meal. I say might as I'm still not feeling all that well myself. My depression is abating somewhat, but I am still not out of my nightgown, and, to be honest, I can't remember the last time I showered. Although, I am hoping to do so before I crawl into my bed for the morning.

Between the two of them they spent a little over $350 on two games (and the required collector's paraphernalia). And yet, I didn't purchase myself a digital camera, I'm not getting my oral surgery done for my dental implants. I am living without my upper teeth.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE????

I certainly don't understand. I would like to understand. I wish that I could understand. I would like to be calm, patient, compassionate, etc. And yet, I find that all I really am is pissed off and more angry than I can really explain.

I know that I am a diminished person in the household. I know that I am not given the respect and consideration that I feel I am due in the household. Case in point - I collected MAGIC THE GATHERING cards for years. They are not worth a lot of money, not as much as a couple of years ago, but they are worth some money. My husband was going to sort and sell them for me two years ago. Nothing! And, it had been his idea!

Now that we cannot afford my implants he got my cards out and wants our daughter to catalog them. He can't be bothered anymore. Sunday he was going to go to our storage unit to find the cards that are missing. Did he? Of course not. That would have been doing something for me! So, now I have these boxes of cards sitting by my chair and I, of course, am going to be responsible for cataloging them and getting them sold. Which, in the long run I don't mind doing...it's just that I am really disappointed that once again a promise was broken to me.

I'm so tired of broken promises. It's hard for little children to live with them, but it is also difficult for adults. Me, I lose more and more respect for him each time he breaks a promise. There's just not enough good sex in the world to make up for a shattered trust.