What it's like to be Borderline

Being Borderline is like being constantly at war, with yourself and everyone in the world. First, you hate yourself for not being able to stop behavior that you know is destructive. It kills you a little bit inside every time the words fly out of your mouth, or that dish flies out of your hand and you think (once you are again capable of rationale thought) - "why the hell didn't I stop myself from doing that?" And, you really know the reason. You've known it since you were in fifth grade and you pushed and pushed and pushed your teacher so much that she finally broke down and turned the classroom over to you and walked out of the room. And you were just in fifth grade!! And you were capable of pushing grown-ups to the edge - and past it!

You knew by then that something was very different about you. But, just what that was, well, that mystified you.

The rage, the terror you felt, the desperation you felt at being left alone. The fear that your family would be taken away from you. The fact that you wanted to do just about anything to not be alone. ANYTHING!!

The Mental Health Community requires, for a DSM diagnosis of BPD that any five out of the following nine listed criteria to be present for a significant period of time:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment such as lying, stealing, temper tantrums, etc. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, overspending, stealing, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights, getting mad over something small).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

At the time I was diagnosed with BPD - I had all nine symptoms - and, had had them for some years. I remember going and seeking help at the local mental health clinic when I was 16. My then boyfriend drove me. The response I got then was classic for the time: "Your father has a good job, you have a roof over your head and food and clothes, why do you think you have problems?"

That was literally what I was asked. How do you respond to a system that doesn't recognize mental illness in children. Then, it wasn't legal to diagnose children with Bipolar disorder (which I also have). It was a blessing when the mentality finally changed about THAT. Children can, and do, have mental health issues. In fact, if society can bring itself to assist children at as early as possible, maybe fewer people will have to live the life that I have had to struggle through.

Wouldn't THAT be a blessing?

Again, a view from the "experts"...

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone, or perceived failure. Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

The negative emotional states particularly associated with BPD have been grouped into four categories: extreme feelings in general; feelings of destructiveness or self-destructiveness; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, unsafe sex, gambling, and recklessness in general. Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend towards insecure, ambivalent, preoccupied or fearful attitudes towards relationships. They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.

I can bring it down to a much more personal and telling scenario...I'm out of town as I type this. My husband and daughter are at home. At 11:20 p.m. my daughter called me (she was lonely as her father had come home from work and gone straight to bed). He still had not woken up yet. It explained why he hadn't answered his phone when I called. So, I chatted with her for a time. Understand, I was looking forward to talking to him and I had some specific things I wanted to talk to him about. My day had gone well (my drive had been good, lunch with my friends was fun, I had picked up the charger for my cell phone, etc.). So, after talking with my daughter for about 15-20 minutes I had her go knock on his door, and , sure enough, he was awake and reading. I had her hand him the phone so I could talk with him.

And then, just like that, like flipping on a light switch, I was so pissed at him I couldn't think straight. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be married to him. I wanted to tell him to just go soak his head in the toilet and sod off...and it happened faster than taking my next breath. And, for the life of me, I couldn't begin to explain to you exactly why it happened.

Oh, I have some pretty good theories. I had wanted him to care enough about me to call me when he got home from work. I had wanted him to miss me enough to call me when he woke up from his "nap". I took it that he didn't care about me AT ALL since he hadn't done either. Well, if he didn't care about me, I certainly didn't want him to leave me first, always go on the offensive - so I attack (go away, go away, go away, come here, come here, come here).

Isn't my brain twisted?

It's what it's like to be Borderline.

Pink has a wonderful song out: Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely

The Lyrics are SO perfect to describe what it is like to be Borderline. I'll post them.

"Go Away (I'm Lonely)
by Pink

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I love you so
Much more when you're not here
Watchin all the bad shows
Drinking all of my beer

I don't believe Adam and Eve
Spent every goddamn day together
If you give me some room there will be room enough for two

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***kin' hour
You taste so sweet
But I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin off the phone
Leave me the ***k alone
Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away
Come back

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you



[ www.azlyrics.com ]

A Partial List of Eternal Truths

By Sheldon Kopp

1. This is it!
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can�t get there from here, and besides there's no place else to go.
4. Nothing lasts!
5. There is no way of getting all you want.
6. You can�t have anything unless you let go of it.
7. You only get to keep what you give away.
8. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
9. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
10. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
11. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
12. You don't really control anything.
13. You can�t make anyone love you.
14. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
15. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
16. There are no great men/women.
17. If you have a hero, look again; you have diminished yourself in some way.
18. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it.
19. Childhood is a nightmare.
20. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, 'take care of yourself because there is no one else to do it for you' grown-up.
21. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
22. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that�s all there is.
23. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
24. We are responsible for everything we do.
25. No excuses will be accepted.
26. You can run, but you can�t hide.
27. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
28. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself.
29. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.
30. What do you know - for sure - anyway?
31. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again
32. And again and again.

Faces

These are the faces of people from around the world. I hope that you enjoy taking a look at them.

Psychiatry as Pseudo-Science

I have a blog on StumbleUpon.com It is real easy to get to, just go to: jazzway.stumbleupon.com I have had it for a year or so and it is mostly about political and social activism. However, one of the things that I did over at SU was start a group on mental illness. It has about 75 members now.

Yesterday, I dropped in on the group to see what was happening. Someone had posted a link to a site where they talked about Psychiatry as a Pseudo-Science. Now, I had heard about this before and sort of pooh-poohed it. I mean, really now. There are so many "studies" out there and the "science" exists that tells us what mental illness is - right? So, at the time, I ignored the information. Yesterday, I went and read...


Here is the URL... http://www.cchr.org/index.cfm/7352

I have to admit that I am more than a little, not shocked by the information, as I am on the verge of angry that I have spent so many years in and out of the "mental health system."

On the one hand, there is something very different about the way I respond to everyday situatiuons compared to the way other people respond to them. In the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), this is called Borderline Personality Disorder. From the Nation Institute for Mental Health:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.


So, here is this not so nice, not so neat definition of a lifestyle dysfunction - what do I do with that?

Pagan Wheel Of The Year

PaganWheeloftheYearSticker evolvefish com, originally uploaded by jazzway.

This Picture is originally from EvolveFish.com Stolen with impunity!

The Pagan Wheel of the Year. A marvelous image. One that shows the major holidays, or Sabbats. These Sabbats are:

Samhain - Last Harvest/Feast of the Dead (Oct. 31/Nov.1)

Yule - Midwinter Feast (Winter Solstice Dec. 19 - 23)

Imbolc - Brigid's Day/Candlemas (Feb. 1-2)

Ostara - Festival of the Trees/Lady Day (Spring equinox March 20 - 23)

Beltane - May Day/Beltane ( May 1)

Midsummer Feast - Mother Night (Summer solstice (June 19 - 23)

Lughnasadh - Lammas/First Harvest (Aug. 1-2)

Mabon - Fruit Harvest/Second Harvest (Autumn equinox Sept. 19 - 23)

The word "sabbat" itself derives from the same roots as Sabbath (Christian) and Sabbath (witchcraft), namely Old English sabat, Old French sabbat, Latin sabbatum, Greek sabbaton (or sa'baton), and Hebrew shabbat, which means "to cease or rest".

Most of the holidays of the Wheel of the Year are named after Pre-Christian Celtic and Pre-Christian Germanic religious festivals. However, a great deal of liberty has usually been taken with the forms and meanings of these festivals, due to the influence of turn of the century romanticism as well as the eclectic elements introduced by Wicca. The similarities between these holidays generally end at the shared names, as Wicca makes no effort to reconstruct these ancient practices. Wiccans observe the festivals of the Wheel of the Year together in a form of universalism not corroborated by any historical continuity.

There is no place in Europe where all eight festivals have been observed as a set, and the complete eightfold Wheel of the Year was unknown prior to modern Wicca. In early forms of Wicca only the cross-quarter days were observed.

Among Wiccans, the most common Wheel of the Year narrative is that of the God/Goddess duality. In this cycle, the God is born from the Goddess at Yule, grows in power at Vernal Equinox (along with the Goddess who has now returned to her maiden aspect), courts and impregnates the Goddess at Beltane, wanes in power at Lammas, passes into the underworld at Samhain, then is once again born from Her mother/crone aspect at Yule. The Goddess, in turn, ages and rejuvenates endlessly with the seasons, being courted by and giving birth to the Horned God. Versions of this myth vary from coven to coven, shifting the birth, conception, or death of the God to different sabbats.

Another, more solar, narrative is of the Holly King and the Oak King, with one ruling the winter, the other the summer. These two figures battle with each other endlessly as the seasons turn. At Midsummer the Oak King is at the height of his strength, while the Holly King is at his weakest. The Holly King begins to regain his power, and at the Autumn Equinox, the tables finally turn in the Holly King's favor; he vanquishes the Oak King at Yule. Then over the next months, as the sun waxes in power, the Oak King slowly regains his strength; at the Spring Equinox he begins to triumph until he once again defeats the Holly King at Midsummer.

Information taken from Wikipedia entry on: Wheel of the Year