What it's like to be Borderline

Being Borderline is like being constantly at war, with yourself and everyone in the world. First, you hate yourself for not being able to stop behavior that you know is destructive. It kills you a little bit inside every time the words fly out of your mouth, or that dish flies out of your hand and you think (once you are again capable of rationale thought) - "why the hell didn't I stop myself from doing that?" And, you really know the reason. You've known it since you were in fifth grade and you pushed and pushed and pushed your teacher so much that she finally broke down and turned the classroom over to you and walked out of the room. And you were just in fifth grade!! And you were capable of pushing grown-ups to the edge - and past it!

You knew by then that something was very different about you. But, just what that was, well, that mystified you.

The rage, the terror you felt, the desperation you felt at being left alone. The fear that your family would be taken away from you. The fact that you wanted to do just about anything to not be alone. ANYTHING!!

The Mental Health Community requires, for a DSM diagnosis of BPD that any five out of the following nine listed criteria to be present for a significant period of time:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment such as lying, stealing, temper tantrums, etc. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, overspending, stealing, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights, getting mad over something small).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

At the time I was diagnosed with BPD - I had all nine symptoms - and, had had them for some years. I remember going and seeking help at the local mental health clinic when I was 16. My then boyfriend drove me. The response I got then was classic for the time: "Your father has a good job, you have a roof over your head and food and clothes, why do you think you have problems?"

That was literally what I was asked. How do you respond to a system that doesn't recognize mental illness in children. Then, it wasn't legal to diagnose children with Bipolar disorder (which I also have). It was a blessing when the mentality finally changed about THAT. Children can, and do, have mental health issues. In fact, if society can bring itself to assist children at as early as possible, maybe fewer people will have to live the life that I have had to struggle through.

Wouldn't THAT be a blessing?

Again, a view from the "experts"...

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone, or perceived failure. Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

The negative emotional states particularly associated with BPD have been grouped into four categories: extreme feelings in general; feelings of destructiveness or self-destructiveness; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, unsafe sex, gambling, and recklessness in general. Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend towards insecure, ambivalent, preoccupied or fearful attitudes towards relationships. They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.

I can bring it down to a much more personal and telling scenario...I'm out of town as I type this. My husband and daughter are at home. At 11:20 p.m. my daughter called me (she was lonely as her father had come home from work and gone straight to bed). He still had not woken up yet. It explained why he hadn't answered his phone when I called. So, I chatted with her for a time. Understand, I was looking forward to talking to him and I had some specific things I wanted to talk to him about. My day had gone well (my drive had been good, lunch with my friends was fun, I had picked up the charger for my cell phone, etc.). So, after talking with my daughter for about 15-20 minutes I had her go knock on his door, and , sure enough, he was awake and reading. I had her hand him the phone so I could talk with him.

And then, just like that, like flipping on a light switch, I was so pissed at him I couldn't think straight. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be married to him. I wanted to tell him to just go soak his head in the toilet and sod off...and it happened faster than taking my next breath. And, for the life of me, I couldn't begin to explain to you exactly why it happened.

Oh, I have some pretty good theories. I had wanted him to care enough about me to call me when he got home from work. I had wanted him to miss me enough to call me when he woke up from his "nap". I took it that he didn't care about me AT ALL since he hadn't done either. Well, if he didn't care about me, I certainly didn't want him to leave me first, always go on the offensive - so I attack (go away, go away, go away, come here, come here, come here).

Isn't my brain twisted?

It's what it's like to be Borderline.

Pink has a wonderful song out: Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely

The Lyrics are SO perfect to describe what it is like to be Borderline. I'll post them.

"Go Away (I'm Lonely)
by Pink

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I love you so
Much more when you're not here
Watchin all the bad shows
Drinking all of my beer

I don't believe Adam and Eve
Spent every goddamn day together
If you give me some room there will be room enough for two

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***kin' hour
You taste so sweet
But I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin off the phone
Leave me the ***k alone
Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away
Come back

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you



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